SCREW TELUS | Collective Network Node

The Corporate Gaslight Protocol

Telus specializes in a unique form of digital psychology. They spend millions on "Nature" imagery—frogs, flowers, and cute animals—to distract you from the fact that your internet speed is currently slower than a 1996 dial-up connection. This is Greenwashing 2.0: if the branding looks like a park, maybe you won't notice the landfill of hidden fees on page 4 of your invoice.

The "Self-Healing" Network: It heals itself by making you wait 4 days for a tech who never shows up.
SmartHome Security: A system that notifies you of an intruder 20 minutes after they've left with your TV.
Optik TV: Paying $100 for 400 channels of infomercials and pixelated local news.

My bill increased by $12 this month for a 'Network Expansion Fee.' I live in a dead zone. Where is the expansion? My backyard?

— Terrace Resident

My Optik TV box requires a 20-minute 'guide update' every time I haven't watched TV for 2 days. The update takes longer than most shows.

— Guide Update Hostage

I tried to pay my bill through the app. It crashed. Online, I got logged out. By phone: 2-hour wait. I mailed a cheque.

— Payment Method Museum

Telus offered me a promo rate if I agreed to paperless billing. I agreed. The promo wasn't applied. The paper bills still came.

— Double Non-Delivery

Telus' 'Thanks' rewards app gave me a free coffee. My bill went up $10 the same month. Net cost of the rewards program: $9.50.

— Thanks for Nothing Math

I cancelled Telus home security after repeated false alarms. They continued monitoring my house for 4 months post-cancellation.

— Monitoring Against Consent

The Telus technician installed PureFibre and said congratulations. Speed: 75Mbps. PureFibre starts at 150Mbps by definition.

— Fibre Geometry

I got a bill for $0.00. Telus sent it to collections because I hadn't paid it. The collections agency also didn't know what to do.

— Zero Dollar Collection

Northern BC: The Forgotten Sector

If you live north of Hope, you aren't a customer—you're a donor. Telus harvests the profits from our limited choices to fund high-speed vanity projects in Vancouver. While they brag about 5G speeds in the city, we’re out here checking our antennas to see if a hawk moved the alignment of our fixed-wireless terminal again.